Monday, May 11, 2009

Cogitamus ergo ridemus: Michael Steele writes to us

Oh dear.

I was sorting through a pile of Monday mail a little while ago, and right in the middle of it, wedged sideways between the bills and an office supply catalog, was a chunky envelope from the Republican National Committee.

That Robert, he's such a kidder. My Republican husband had thoughtfully opened it for me, too, knowing how susceptible my tender fingers are to paper cuts (more likely, he didn't want to let me have all the laughs first).

Inside, I found a pre-paid envelope, a long letter, and a questionnaire entitled Obama Agenda Survey, with the words *DO NOT DESTROY*--printed just like that, with asterisks--repeated no fewer than five times in a row across the top of the page. Before the first question was even asked. Oh dear.

Okay, okay, I thought. You do seem inordinately troubled, Mr. Steele, so I'll give you a couple of minutes of my time.

I set the plea for mercy plea for money single-page questionnaire aside for a moment and turned my attention to the four-page (!) cover letter that addressed us by our surname followed by the word "household" (hmmm...could the Republicans be warming to the idea that numerous households might not contain both a Mr. and a Mrs.? Nah.)
As Chairman of the Republican National Committee, I am sending out this questionnaire to gauge where you and other grassroots Republicans stand on the critical issues facing our nation--I need to hear back from you right away.

You know that the liberal media elites and the Obama-Democrats are hoping you will put this letter down right now and do nothing...

...they want you to give up, desert your Party and walk away from your conservative principles.

I'm asking you to please not turn your back on us now.

I want you to know that the Republican Party is not dead and we are not going away.
Oh DEAR.

"Robert! The Undead are closing in on us!" I shouted, wiping the tears from my eyes. "Quick, darling--turn off the brain-shaped beacon before it's too late."

The pleas went on for four--count 'em, four--pages.
[Please, please, please, etc.]...you and every one of the many who didn't vote for Barack Obama (WRONG)...Democrat allies in Congress...please, no matter what, do not discard or destroy your Survey. (Aside: will someone please explain capitalization rules to Michael Steele?)

Turn the page over, please.
Okay.
...be as exact as possible, you must return your survey--Even if you leave some of the questions blank.
We're still a big tent! Even illiterates are welcome! It's the il-LEGALS we don't like!
There is so much about the Obama Agenda that most Americans do not know about...
Because most Americans have no electricity and can't read?
...thanks to the non-stop, swooning coverage of the ultra-biased media.

But with your help, we are going to expose the Obama Agenda for all Americans to see so that we create a groundswell of opposition.

"Robert! After you turn off the brain-shaped beacon, get ready for some more teabagging, darling."

Well, that got his attention. Sort of.

"For fuck's sake, do they really think small business owners have time for this kind of bullshit, especially right now?" Robert said, kicking off his work-boots and squeezing honey into his tea while simultaneously turning on The Ed Show. "Oh good, I like this guy."

"No, seriously, darling--listen. They keep saying please: please fill in the survey; please don't destroy it, whatever you do; please send us money, oh, and don't forget, please be aware that the Democrat party wants to force everyone to pay higher taxes so they can make our kids go to re-education camps or something. We really ought to send this in."

(I paused and considered anointing the questionnaire with a selection of truly dreadful, truly naughty, truly litbritish sentences--really long, compound ones, too, so as to confuse them thoroughly and cause unrest--but decided I'd rather spend the time folding laundry.)

Instead, I read some of Steele's finer servings of, er, bullshit, aloud:
...we are asking where you stand on Barack Obama's promise to raise taxes...

...On his plans to give amnesty to illegal immigrants, which could lead to billions of dollars of government handouts and possibly bankrupt Social Security...

...And how do you feel about Obama's efforts to nationalize health care and have it run by bureaucrats in Washington, D.C.?
"As opposed to unregulated bureaucrats in Big Insurance who refuse coverage, deny sick people's legitimate claims, and cancel policies altogether--in the name of profit?" I fumed. If, instead of being the ladylike person who is me, I was a guy--make that an excitable, ah, forceful kind of guy like, say, Tony Soprano--this is the point at which I'd have stood up and spat on the ground. But while I am (perhaps) a little on the excitable side, I am neither Tony Soprano nor Michelle Malkin and am thus not usually given to spitting. Besides, we were sitting at the kitchen table enjoying the perfectly nice pot of tea with which--mirabile dictu--I'd actually managed to not scald myself.

I skipped over the countless appeals to resist destroying the survey--and the even greater number of pleas for money, helpfully repeated (with suggested dollar amounts!) yet again in the postscript--and read the closing paragraph:
The future of the Republican Party is in your hands. Act now.
...Said Mark Foley to the congressional page. (Thank you, I'll be here all week, etc.)

Now, all this would be funnier by orders of magnitude if there weren't plenty of people out there--some of whom Robert and I know personally, alas--who are stupid bigoted naïve enough to believe Michael Steele's weaselly distortions and baldfaced lies about President Obama raising taxes, scheming to bankrupt Social Security--which in reality was something George W. Bush seemed hell-bent on doing; how quickly they forget!--and the Evil Librul Media being so, you know, Evil and Librul and all. I mean, never mind the interviews, breathless and multitudinous, with Dick "How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate People" Cheney to which we've been treated on a regular basis since Obama's inauguration; never mind the countless affronts-to-journalistic-ethics-made-flesh like Bill Kristol or even Morning Joe stooge Willie Geist, who is routinely allowed to get away with making utterly fact-free, uncorroborated (and by design, unverifiable) comments like this morning's gem: "I was talking to someone this weekend, and he said he thinks Dick Cheney is sincere and really worries about the nation getting attacked under Obama". Mmm-hmm. "Someone" said it, so hey, it must be true, and while we're at it, let's just get that statement out there again about the nation possibly getting attacked. How disgusting. Shame on your sorry ass, Willie.

Anyway, since Michael Steele did ask nicely, and often, I won't destroy the survey, which, after the four pages of begging excerpted herein, seemed kind of sad and anticlimactic, really--just a sheet of paper stamped with poorly-written lies, damned lies, and hilariously biased framing. But I'm open to suggestions as to what to do with it.

Thoughts?

Also at Cogitamus.

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